I did it again. And I always feel awful when it happens.

I wasn’t listening to Mickey, my husband.

Instead, I was checking my smartphone for updates and then got pulled into Instagram.

Instagram is my addiction. I can easily go from watching adorable 4-year-olds skiing with their parents to beautiful tiny homes to amazing music videos within 30 seconds.

What’s really embarrassing is that I’ve had training on how to actively listen. In addition, my father regularly would remind me and my brother, “You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk.”

This leadership skill is often woefully undervalued. Everyone wants to know how to effectively communicate with their team but there isn’t a lot of training on how to effectively listen to them.

Even when I was a communications major in college, there wasn’t one class on how to listen. I had classes on rhetorical theory, voice and articulation, persuasive speaking, communication, and corporate culture—but nothing about how to truly listen.

How to Actively Listen

I come from a talkative lineage. My late father was a manufacturer’s sales rep and my late mother was a full-blooded Italian. We definitely did not live in a quiet house.

So, learning to listen was a particular challenge for me growing up. Thankfully, I did learn a few lessons. Here are some ways to actively listen:

Being fully present in the conversation – This is the first thing I trip up on. I’m guilty of multi-tasking and too often, I do it with my ever-so-patient husband. Put away your phone or other digital devices and give your full attention to the person speaking to you. I’m getting better.

Showing interest by practicing good eye contact – When I was in college, there was a guy I would talk to occasionally but for some reason, he could never look me directly in the eye. His eyes would go all over the room as he was talking to me but never landed on me. It was unsettling. One of the best lessons my father ever taught me was to look into his eyes when I talked with him. As a little girl, I would often look around. And maybe I had a wee bit of intimidation when it came to talking to him. But it was an excellent lesson. Resist the urge to look around when someone is talking to you. When they see you can directly look at them, it lets them know they’re being heard and you consider their thoughts worth your attention.

Noticing (and using) non-verbal cues – Did you know that 65% of a person’s communication is unspoken? Nonverbal cues can alert you as to how a person may be feeling. For instance, if a person is a fast talker or speaks softly, they could feel anxious or fearful. If they talk slowly, they could be carefully choosing their words. One trick I learned to help people feel more comfortable with me was to match their communication styles. If they talked fast, I tried to speed up my words. If they were more thoughtful and spoke slowly, then I slowed down, too. Leaders can use this especially when they need to have more difficult conversations.

Ask Questions

Asking open-ended questions to encourage further responses – This is one of my favorite communication skills. I love asking questions because I genuinely am curious about why people do what they do. So instead of asking, “Did you finish that project yet?” An open-ended way to ask would be, “Tell me about this project we’re working on. What have you discovered?”

Paraphrasing and reflecting back on what has been said – In the training I received for active listening, this was called “mirroring.” You simply repeat what the person just said to you. After someone vents, for instance, you reply, “Wow. So, it sounds like you’re really frustrated because the buyer keeps ghosting you.” It may seem like a waste of time (especially if you’re like me and just want to move on to a solution as quickly as possible), but believe me, it can do wonders. Whatever is bothering someone is rarely what really is bothering them. But you need to give the person time to excavate their emotions. When they feel respected and safe, then they start to open up about what’s really bothering them.

Show Empathy

Being patient – A tough challenge for any leader is to allow space in the conversation. When you listen to understand rather than to respond, you’re going to include pockets of silence. Leaders resist the urge to fill in those pockets with their own stories and instead wait for the other person to continue communicating their thoughts. The more this happens in a conversation, the more trust is built.

Withholding judgment and advice – This is familiar to anyone who has attended a 12-Step group meeting like Alcoholics Anonymous. Those meetings are filled with people sharing some of the most intimate emotions but no one in the group interrupts or gives advice. They just listen. When you present a neutral position, it allows the other person to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts. The more comfortable they feel, the more they will share what’s really going on with them. That place of trust is where leaders want to be in order to understand someone.

All of these tips not only work great with team members but with clients and prospects. Too often, salespeople want to jump in and sell their solutions without really investing the time to understand their prospect’s needs. When your prospect feels heard, there’s a good chance they’ll be much more open to hearing about how you could solve their problems.

Why Better Listening Can Build Authority

In fact, by improving your listening skills, you can establish your authority and create more customer and client loyalty. Here are 10 ways improved listening skills can accomplish much more than you could imagine:

#1 – Better Understanding of Customers

Actively listening to customers allows you to comprehend their needs, preferences, and pain points. This understanding enables you to tailor products, services, and marketing efforts to better meet customer demands, leading to higher customer satisfaction and loyalty.

#2 – Effective Problem Solving

By truly hearing and understanding the concerns of clients, employees, and partners, you can address issues more accurately and promptly. This problem-solving ability showcases your competence and commitment to resolving challenges, boosting your authority as a capable leader.

#3 – Enhanced Decision-Making

Informed decisions come from a deep understanding of the context and input from various sources. Improved listening skills provide you with valuable insights, leading to more informed and effective decisions. This reinforces your authority by demonstrating a thoughtful and strategic approach.

#4 – Building Strong Relationships

Active listening is a foundational element of building strong relationships. When you show genuine interest in what others have to say, it fosters trust and rapport. These relationships contribute to your authority as people are more likely to follow someone they trust and respect.

#5 – Effective Communication

Good communication involves not only speaking but also listening. Business owners who listen well can engage in more meaningful conversations with employees, clients, investors, and other stakeholders. Clear and empathetic communication further establishes your authority and credibility.

#6 – Empowerment of Employees

Listening to employees’ ideas, concerns, and feedback demonstrates respect for their contributions and fosters a sense of empowerment. Empowered employees are more likely to be engaged, innovative, and dedicated, which positively impacts the overall success of the business.

#7 – Adaptability

Markets and industries are constantly changing. When you actively listen, you can quickly adapt to new trends, technologies, and customer preferences. This agility enhances your reputation as someone who stays ahead of the curve and knows how to navigate changes effectively.

#8 – Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable in business, but effective listening can de-escalate tense situations. When conflicts are resolved with empathy and understanding, it showcases your emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills, reinforcing your authority.

#9 – Learning and Growth

When you continuously seek knowledge from others through active listening, it demonstrates humility and a commitment to growth. This willingness to learn enhances your authority by positioning you as a lifelong learner who values improvement.

#10 – Visibility and Influence

Active listening can extend beyond immediate business relationships. Participating in industry discussions, podcasts, panels, and seminars allows you to showcase your expertise and authority on a broader scale.

Improving listening skills is an invaluable tool for building authority. It enhances understanding, communication, relationships, and decision-making, all of which contributes to your reputation as a capable and respected leader in your field. You’ll be a rarity, too. Many business owners have no trouble talking. But very few are known for being a great listener—and more importantly, taking action on what they just heard.